Ok #BellLetsTalk
I’ve resisted for too long. However, because of the courage, honesty, and strength of people in this community, I’d like to contribute to this movement by sharing my unfortunate shame and embarrassment. However, there’s a happy ending.
From my journal:
“It's happening right now, literally as I write these words onto this page. I'm having an anxiety attack. I despise this feeling. I just want it to go away. It scares me. It makes me feel like I'm on the brink of death, and I often think to myself that I have to accept that this is my fate. For some, anxiety shows up as tension in the body, for others, it shows up as a completely paralyzing experience. In my case, fingers numb, heart heavy, palpitations, shoulder tension, sore body, sore neck, vision blurry, and the worst symptom of all; worry, worry, worry that inevitably leads to petrified fear.
The last time I dealt with an anxiety attack like the one I'm having right now, (let me remind you that I'm actually having one right now), I was 26 years old hanging out at the music mansion in Toronto, smoking a joint that apparently was laced with something that completely messed me up.
I'll never forget that moment. That moment when I took that toke and boom! Game over!
My brain felt like it was exploding, my heart raced out of my chest, and the panic took over my entire body. I ended up hospitalized that night. That experience wasn't enough for me to learn my lesson though. I went back the next morning to pick up my keyboard, and I thought to myself, "it was probably just a bad batch, I feel like smoking another joint to see if it'll make me feel better". So I did, and boom, another panic attack; back to the hospital I went. For two years I couldn’t leave the house without being terrified. I lost my job, my relationship crumbled, and my spirit broke in pieces.
As I'm writing these words, I'm not actually typing them, instead I am using dictation on my phone because my fingers are shaking too much for me to even type. However, the fact that I'm about to break down in tears because I feel like I'm having a heart attack, and the fact that I am terrified that these panic attacks are going to result in a sudden death in my sleep, I think now would be the appropriate time to express some truths that I believe, in this moment right now, are going to help me relieve some of this stress. Maybe it’s the planetary shifts and the sensitivity that I feel as an empath, or maybe the moon is just illuminating the areas that need to be worked on the most. There’s no doubt about it; I can’t say I’m perfectly healthy. There are definitely areas of my personal well-being that could be improved upon and although I desire change and transformation, the more I experience these symptoms, the more I feel like self sabotaging. Perhaps you can relate.
There are some truths that I have been afraid to express. It’s probably because my ego is ignoring the buzzing sound in my ears that could potentially be angels whispering very loudly to listen to the messages that they are trying to tell me.
Today I found out that I am cancer free. I had a scare two months ago and I’ve been terrified ever since. This scare led me to hospitalization and two months of silent panic. Silent Desperation.
The emotional distress that comes with consciously living in a state of awareness of all symptoms health related, can cause a person to become somewhat of a hypochondriac. I know this first hand. However, I also know that the symptoms that come with my anxiety are not make-believe and are not simple to shrug off as if it’s no big deal. Life is uncomfortable. Especially when you live in silent desperation.
So yes, I suffer from anxiety attacks, but yet, as my Reiki teacher says to me, "anxiety is your friend, you have to learn how to have a conversation with it so that you can learn what the message is, in the anxiety itself".
I'm sensitive. Here I am, the tears are flowing down my face. Simply writing the idea of passing away triggered me enough to cry. I cry when watching commercials, I cry at movies, I cry at weddings, I cry at baptisms, I cry as much as I can, not on command, but rather because it is a form of self-expression that I feel helps me remain grounded.
My life's purpose is to be self expressed. I'm doing it right now; as I'm writing this confession for you in the middle of a moment and experience where I don't want to do anything other than just go to the hospital so that they can sedate me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. It is my act of self expression that is helping me cope with this feeling of panic that I'm dealing with in this exact moment. It is through my gift of using words to express what my heart feels, that I have discovered how to tap into my masculinity. It is through this act of self expression that I tap into my genius. It is through this act of self expression that I feel that I am aligned with my life's purpose.
Truth is, I am vulnerable. You've probably heard it before; there's strength in vulnerability. I concur. Before I started writing this I called three people and ask them to guide me through breathing exercises as I dealt with this panic attack. If you are reading this and you are a part of my Facebook community, you probably know those three people. One of the things that I have stayed away from in the past, is expressing my challenges and problems to the people that are in my community, because I have been afraid of peoples opinions, and of them sharing my personal issues with other people that are in the community as well. I guess I could say that I'm not a fan of gossip.
Now that you know a little bit about me, I'd like to tell you about why I believe that being an anxious, sensitive, self expressed, and vulnerable man, can help you evolve into your truth.
Simply put, authenticity is the gateway to your evolution.
As you put a conscious effort towards evolving into the person that you aspire to be, the greatest contribution that you can make to yourself and to humanity, is to remain authentic with who you truly are. If you haven't been authentic, then there's a good chance that you've experienced resistance in your life. Resistance is what fuels anxiety. It is the catalyst to everything that seems to be going wrong in your life. You probably don't even realize that you're being inauthentic, because you are not aware of the immediate impact that being inauthentic has on you. It usually creeps up afterwards, when everything seems to be going awry in your life.
It is in these moments when things are at the peak of your challenges, that you can assess the areas in your life where you can either be more sensitive, express what you're holding on to (or what you're holding in), allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to seek help or guidance, and take immediate action towards resolving any anxiety that is blocking you from experiencing the conscious evolution of your own humanity.
As you experience life, it's important for you to know that everything is moving. Your body is constantly moving, your emotions are constantly moving, the world around you is constantly moving, and if you know anything about quantum physics, you may be familiar with the principal of vibration and how absolutely everything that exists in your world is made up of matter.
[Self-Talk] Well, with that fact in mind, know that you matter. You really do. Everything about you is extraordinary. Everything! In this moment right now you have an opportunity to choose authenticity. Your authenticity is what will break you free from the resistance that challenges you from experiencing the joys of person evolution. Now is the time for you to expand your self-awareness and begin to align yourself with the truth of who you are, who you aspire to be, and who you are constantly becoming.
Your sensitivity doesn't make you weak; it keeps you balanced.
Your vulnerability doesn't make you wrong; it makes you open to receiving.
Your anxiousness doesn't make you broken; instead, it acts as a catalyst to your own personal transformation; an opportunity; a gateway.
The key to your greatness is in your ability to take action against all odds that seemingly deter you from your evolution.”
Take it from me. I suffer in silence.
I’m learning. After all, strength is developed in how you respond to how life hits you; not just because it does.
“Nothing changes when nothing changes”
If you feel compelled by what I have shared with you, feel free to message me. I'd be happy to delve deeper into these concepts with you. There’s healing in speaking our truths.
With love and a much less subtle sense of panic than when I started editing this,
- Marcos Mendosa
I’ve resisted for too long. However, because of the courage, honesty, and strength of people in this community, I’d like to contribute to this movement by sharing my unfortunate shame and embarrassment. However, there’s a happy ending.
From my journal:
“It's happening right now, literally as I write these words onto this page. I'm having an anxiety attack. I despise this feeling. I just want it to go away. It scares me. It makes me feel like I'm on the brink of death, and I often think to myself that I have to accept that this is my fate. For some, anxiety shows up as tension in the body, for others, it shows up as a completely paralyzing experience. In my case, fingers numb, heart heavy, palpitations, shoulder tension, sore body, sore neck, vision blurry, and the worst symptom of all; worry, worry, worry that inevitably leads to petrified fear.
The last time I dealt with an anxiety attack like the one I'm having right now, (let me remind you that I'm actually having one right now), I was 26 years old hanging out at the music mansion in Toronto, smoking a joint that apparently was laced with something that completely messed me up.
I'll never forget that moment. That moment when I took that toke and boom! Game over!
My brain felt like it was exploding, my heart raced out of my chest, and the panic took over my entire body. I ended up hospitalized that night. That experience wasn't enough for me to learn my lesson though. I went back the next morning to pick up my keyboard, and I thought to myself, "it was probably just a bad batch, I feel like smoking another joint to see if it'll make me feel better". So I did, and boom, another panic attack; back to the hospital I went. For two years I couldn’t leave the house without being terrified. I lost my job, my relationship crumbled, and my spirit broke in pieces.
As I'm writing these words, I'm not actually typing them, instead I am using dictation on my phone because my fingers are shaking too much for me to even type. However, the fact that I'm about to break down in tears because I feel like I'm having a heart attack, and the fact that I am terrified that these panic attacks are going to result in a sudden death in my sleep, I think now would be the appropriate time to express some truths that I believe, in this moment right now, are going to help me relieve some of this stress. Maybe it’s the planetary shifts and the sensitivity that I feel as an empath, or maybe the moon is just illuminating the areas that need to be worked on the most. There’s no doubt about it; I can’t say I’m perfectly healthy. There are definitely areas of my personal well-being that could be improved upon and although I desire change and transformation, the more I experience these symptoms, the more I feel like self sabotaging. Perhaps you can relate.
There are some truths that I have been afraid to express. It’s probably because my ego is ignoring the buzzing sound in my ears that could potentially be angels whispering very loudly to listen to the messages that they are trying to tell me.
Today I found out that I am cancer free. I had a scare two months ago and I’ve been terrified ever since. This scare led me to hospitalization and two months of silent panic. Silent Desperation.
The emotional distress that comes with consciously living in a state of awareness of all symptoms health related, can cause a person to become somewhat of a hypochondriac. I know this first hand. However, I also know that the symptoms that come with my anxiety are not make-believe and are not simple to shrug off as if it’s no big deal. Life is uncomfortable. Especially when you live in silent desperation.
So yes, I suffer from anxiety attacks, but yet, as my Reiki teacher says to me, "anxiety is your friend, you have to learn how to have a conversation with it so that you can learn what the message is, in the anxiety itself".
I'm sensitive. Here I am, the tears are flowing down my face. Simply writing the idea of passing away triggered me enough to cry. I cry when watching commercials, I cry at movies, I cry at weddings, I cry at baptisms, I cry as much as I can, not on command, but rather because it is a form of self-expression that I feel helps me remain grounded.
My life's purpose is to be self expressed. I'm doing it right now; as I'm writing this confession for you in the middle of a moment and experience where I don't want to do anything other than just go to the hospital so that they can sedate me and tell me that everything is going to be OK. It is my act of self expression that is helping me cope with this feeling of panic that I'm dealing with in this exact moment. It is through my gift of using words to express what my heart feels, that I have discovered how to tap into my masculinity. It is through this act of self expression that I tap into my genius. It is through this act of self expression that I feel that I am aligned with my life's purpose.
Truth is, I am vulnerable. You've probably heard it before; there's strength in vulnerability. I concur. Before I started writing this I called three people and ask them to guide me through breathing exercises as I dealt with this panic attack. If you are reading this and you are a part of my Facebook community, you probably know those three people. One of the things that I have stayed away from in the past, is expressing my challenges and problems to the people that are in my community, because I have been afraid of peoples opinions, and of them sharing my personal issues with other people that are in the community as well. I guess I could say that I'm not a fan of gossip.
Now that you know a little bit about me, I'd like to tell you about why I believe that being an anxious, sensitive, self expressed, and vulnerable man, can help you evolve into your truth.
Simply put, authenticity is the gateway to your evolution.
As you put a conscious effort towards evolving into the person that you aspire to be, the greatest contribution that you can make to yourself and to humanity, is to remain authentic with who you truly are. If you haven't been authentic, then there's a good chance that you've experienced resistance in your life. Resistance is what fuels anxiety. It is the catalyst to everything that seems to be going wrong in your life. You probably don't even realize that you're being inauthentic, because you are not aware of the immediate impact that being inauthentic has on you. It usually creeps up afterwards, when everything seems to be going awry in your life.
It is in these moments when things are at the peak of your challenges, that you can assess the areas in your life where you can either be more sensitive, express what you're holding on to (or what you're holding in), allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to seek help or guidance, and take immediate action towards resolving any anxiety that is blocking you from experiencing the conscious evolution of your own humanity.
As you experience life, it's important for you to know that everything is moving. Your body is constantly moving, your emotions are constantly moving, the world around you is constantly moving, and if you know anything about quantum physics, you may be familiar with the principal of vibration and how absolutely everything that exists in your world is made up of matter.
[Self-Talk] Well, with that fact in mind, know that you matter. You really do. Everything about you is extraordinary. Everything! In this moment right now you have an opportunity to choose authenticity. Your authenticity is what will break you free from the resistance that challenges you from experiencing the joys of person evolution. Now is the time for you to expand your self-awareness and begin to align yourself with the truth of who you are, who you aspire to be, and who you are constantly becoming.
Your sensitivity doesn't make you weak; it keeps you balanced.
Your vulnerability doesn't make you wrong; it makes you open to receiving.
Your anxiousness doesn't make you broken; instead, it acts as a catalyst to your own personal transformation; an opportunity; a gateway.
The key to your greatness is in your ability to take action against all odds that seemingly deter you from your evolution.”
Take it from me. I suffer in silence.
I’m learning. After all, strength is developed in how you respond to how life hits you; not just because it does.
“Nothing changes when nothing changes”
If you feel compelled by what I have shared with you, feel free to message me. I'd be happy to delve deeper into these concepts with you. There’s healing in speaking our truths.
With love and a much less subtle sense of panic than when I started editing this,
- Marcos Mendosa
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| Marcos Mendoza |
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